Every year I get excited about my birthday. What's not to love? I get presents and I get extra attention. Unfortunately, today, I am experiencing a rather volatile funk, making my birthday just awful. CJ and I drove to work due to the extreme cold, and I was actually happy and excited. I wanted to be at work.
Shortly after I go to work, though, my thoughts went from hopeful to dreadful. Why isn't anyone saying happy birthday? Does anyone actually care? Is everyone just posting on my wall because Facebook told them to? Einsteins gave me a free breakfast sandwich coupon, but really all I want is a bagel; can I just get a bagel? God, why do I always expect my birthdays to be great? Remember when you found out your friend died the night before your birthday? Remember all the other shitty birthdays you've had? Like the year your (now ex) boyfriend bought you a Snoopy Dogg CD and talked a friend into lending him some money but it was only enough for a small bottle of MadDog 20/20? How about the year after that where my (also ex) boyfriend and I went to HIS friend's apartment to play D&D, which didn't even happen because I had to build a character with the other six people at the table and we left at midnight to go to the bar and then my (ex) boyfriend accused me of flirting with his friend? Or our combined birthday party a few days later where he and his friends hit up the strip club (and no one even asked if I wanted to go) and then he joined me for one drink at the bowling alley before going to the club and then he stayed on the outskirts all night? Shit, I have a meeting at 10 with ADA, but I'm sitting here crying over the shit. Should I reschedule? NO, gotta suck it up.
During the meeting: They're going to deny my request and I'm just going to be crying like a little bitch the whole time. Why did I think this was a good idea? All I've managed to do is create more anxiety for myself and create an even bigger problem with my boss. On top of that, now the GM knows I'm crazy because he was cc'd so that kills any thought he might support me in my career aspirations. Why can't I be normal? Am I even sick? Of course I'm sick. I get panic attacks, don't I? Yes, but what if it's just me working up the frenzy? What if I'm really just self-centered and narcissistic? What if this is just all in my head?
All Day: I should just go home. My back hurts, I can't stop crying, my eyes hurt, my chest hurts. No. Gotta suck it up. Need to save that vacation time. Need to work through this. All you're going to do at home is stare at the tv anyway. You should just use this time to be at work. Wanna work on your blog? Blogs are good. Blog makes me angry. People don't want to read this anyway. Why am I even here? Nobody cares beyond a cursory thought. Facebook told them it was your birthday. Hell, your brother called you the day before. He doesn't even care enough to put the correct date in his phone to remind him. But it was better to talk to him yesterday because of things. But still, why did he call me with only five minutes to talk? Surely I deserve more than five minutes of time that isn't devoted to running around getting the girls ready for something or coming home from somewhere. Meh, whatever, we didn't really get along well as kids anyway. I don't know why it matters. Really? My dad texted me? Well, there's a first for everything. Seriously? A text? My brother and his family get a PS4 for Christmas, and I get text messages. I am not one to give a shit about material objects, but that is a serious imbalance. Wait a second, why do I even care? I'm an independent woman who doesn't need stuff to fill her life. Fuck, though, it's unfair. Anyone can see it's unfair. Why I do berate myself for wanting at least some equality? I deserve that. But why? Why do I deserve that? Did I do anything special? Am I special? Not really. But then again, I haven't done anything to deserve to not be treated fairly. Have I? Maybe I have. What did I do? Nothing! I did nothing. I moved in with my mom and it was healthier and better and all of my relationships are better because of it. If I had stayed there, I probably would have been worse off. Why doesn't anyone love me? People love me, god damn it. My wonderful boyfriend loves me and tried to cheer me up all day. My mom loves me. She can't always be around every birthday because of work, but she sent me messages, she took me to dinner, she helps me in anyway she can. Shit, I should go talk to someone. No one wants to hear my shit. Fuck it, I need to talk to someone. Fuck, fuck, fuck, why did I even go talk to her? She gave me a card, yes, but it's a pity card. She got it because she tolerates me. That's not true, she like me. She likes everybody. Yeah, I'm really not that special. Go sit down and stop making this woman uncomfortable. Go deal with this on your own. Nobody cares. Just wait out the day until you can go home and snuggle with CJ and the dogs.
The noise never stops in my head today except the couple of times I seemed to have "spaced out". By spacing out I mean, I'm pretty sure I sat and stared at my computer for more than five minutes without thought a few different times today. I definitely don't have the ability to eat too much solid food right now considering the anxiety has got me going around in circles.
Anxiety mixed with depression sucks. Thank God I'm not suicidal, though. This day could have been worse.
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